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by Yami Kaosu
Summary: What he said held much more at stake than he could have possibly known. With those words, he had crushed the last ounces of happiness that I had left...It has come to an end. He doesn't love me. Shounen ai, suicide.


Disclaimer: No portion of Yuu Yuu Hakusho has ever belonged to me, and it is doubtful that that will change any time in the near future.

A/N: Here is the YYH fic that I have been promising forever and ever. Actually, it was written for Rose Thorne's YYH yaoi fanfiction contest. But it's here! ^^;; Anyway...I'm hoping that no one here is opposed to yaoi. No one? Good. ~Yami

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No one understands.

No one.

Not even him.

He says that he loves me. He has looked straight at me and said it directly to my face. Of course, there wasn't anyone else around, but he still admitted it out loud. And perhaps if this love that I believe I feel is true, that should suffice. So I have heard it out loud that once; perhaps that should be enough for me to truly believe it. But if I look at his actions, they seem to only tell me the opposite. And, as it is said, actions speak louder than words.

If only it were the other way around. If only I could truly believe that he loves me, as deeply as I do him...

I love him desperately. I can't even begin to fathom what my life now would be like without him. I would do anything for him, would show my feelings in any way I possibly could to let him know to the most extreme extents how much he means to me. I would easily sacrifice my life in the place that his be spared. I want to let the whole world know that he is the meaning of my life, that he is my life. Nothing in any world, the Ningenkai, the Reikai, the Makai...nothing anywhere is worth more to me than he is.

But then again, I suppose that I am the more open of the two of us.

He doesn't show his feelings often. I've known this for a long time now. And yet, it is beyond my power to stop wishing that he would let down his shield, if only but once, and fully show me the extent to which he loves me. But that seems to be too much to ask of him. He is full of pride, and of hidden feelings. Maybe he doesn't know how to express them. I don't know.

All I do know is that just once, I want to see a passion lit in his eyes, a love burning deep within the red embers, a love that is only for me. A love that I can be sure will never be torn apart, no matter what should happen to either of us. A love that he is unafraid to show to anyone at all, especially to those who are close to us.

A love that I could finally be free to give back to him in full.

Of course, he doesn't know of this want. Knowing him, it would probably make him angry. That just proves to be another reason why I am forbidden to tell him. Instead, I put up a shield against the world, a happy disposition seemingly not bothered by anything. If only it were true, if only I were happy. That would be quite a dramatic change from my truest feelings.

I don't understand why I have to feel this way. I don't understand why he has to act this way. But it's gotten to the point where I am driven to extreme depression. My mind is constantly wondering what he would do, if different scenarios were to present themselves. What if he was forced to face this in the presence of others? Would he admit the love that he had told me was real? Or would he deny it to save his own pride?

I don't like to believe that he would do this. But I can't put it past him. He's a difficult person to understand, and even more difficult to love. But, if loving him is what the heavens have assigned as a task meant never to be fulfilled, they were wrong. For I am the one that loves him. I have overcome everything necessary to get close to him. Now, if only things would happen in full turn...

*~*~*~*~*~*

I kept my hopes alive for as long as I possibly could, but one can only retain such fragile desires for so long. Sooner or later, I knew that they would shatter, and I would be left with nothing. How soon until that moment, I hadn't the faintest idea, but surely it could happen at any given point in time. Possibly in the next couple of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, perhaps even years. I didn't want to believe that it would ever happen, and perhaps I hid the possibility from myself, hoping to protect my delicate emotions.

Needless to say, little did I expect it when it finally did happen.

It was one of my worst fears come true. His pride had gotten the better of him. When questioned about his relationship with me, he wouldn't admit to it. He told them that we were only friends, nothing more.

He denied our love.

What he said held much more at stake than he could have possibly known. With those words, he had crushed the last ounces of happiness that I had left. It seems that the time has come to put all of my wants and desires aside. They have all been shattered, into fragments that I will never be able to piece back together. It has come to an end. He doesn't love me.

He doesn't love me...

I can't stand knowing this. That love had been my driving force for such a long time. Without him, what is there left for me in this world? I have never felt for anyone else what I feel for him. How can I possibly survive in a world without his love, without him?

The answer is simple: I cannot.

I cannot live without him. I cannot live without the love that he has supplied, although falsely. My life may as well be over. I want it to be over. With this single blow, life has become to harsh for me. I may be seasoned, but even someone like me can't take this type of emotional trauma. How can a person continue a life that has become so meaningless?

I can't help but wonder, if he'll understand. If anyone did, it would be him. But then again, he'd probably tell me that I'm selfish and inconsiderate. But isn't that the opposite of how I've been for so long? I've tried so hard to put the interests of others before myself. I've let him have his emotional void, let him use his actions how he wanted. But I'm tired of that. And if this is selfish of me, than so be it. Don't I deserve to do something for myself just once in my life?

I've pretended to be happy for a long time. It seems that it's about time for my true colors to make themselves known. I know that I've been depressed for a long time. I can do an exceptional job of hiding it, but it's always there. Even if it's stored deep within me, I still know that it is there, and that's always enough to bring back all of the memories that go along with it.

As I walk toward what will be my final hours of life, I think once more of what his reaction will be to this. I can almost hear his disgusted voice telling me that it was a selfish way out, that I died without honor. My eyes narrow slightly as the pain of this truth fully hits me, and my head hangs slightly as I feel shame for what I am about to do.

But then I realize that his actions could have been considered selfish as well. Didn't he realize how inconsiderate it was of him to not give my feelings any weight in the situation? Perhaps, then, my conclusion has led me to the right place after all. After all, if he truly was going to be hypocritical in this situation, and chastise me for my selfishness, shouldn't his own selfishness be given bearing in the mix as well?

Sighing as I continue my journey toward the end, I take a closer look at everything around me. Its joyful nature angers me slightly; I can't understand how everything around me can be so happy, while I am so miserable. Nothing seems to realize that it will not be much longer before all memory of me is erased.

And yet, why should I expect anyone, anything to give any care as to what happens to me? The one person in the world that I truly loved with all of my heart and soul...he certainly didn't care. And if that one person didn't care, why should anyone else?

Every thought that enters my mind only seems to justify the path that I have chosen. Every time that I acknowledge my shattered soul, every time I pick up another jagged fragment, it feels as if each piece slashes across my heart. Cut after cut, each adding to the emotional pain that seemed almost unimaginable in its magnitude, pain that likens itself to that of a knife to the flesh.

It's all just too much...

Maybe that's why he has always been the way that he is. He knows the terrible pain that comes from getting too close to others. Perhaps he had more sense in the matter than I did. Hiding your emotions in a place unopenable to others does have a certain air of self-protection to it. After all, by not opening up to others, not letting them know how important someone is to you...drawing that blanket around yourself can protect your own feelings more than anything else in the world.

But how can such protection be worth more than love itself?

By protecting himself, he has thus destroyed me. It only justifies what I am about to do. If he truly would rather protect himself than love me, then so be it.

Taking another glance around, I notice that I have covered quite a large distance during the course of my thoughts. Much time has passed since I began this journey to the end. And it is now time for it to draw to a close.

I delay the moment by wondering if he would want an explanation. My apparent nervousness leads me to decide that he would, and I slowly make a short note to clarify my reasons. What I had intended to be only a few words quickly grows to many, and I end the note suddenly, so as not to give myself an opportunity to back out. A few tears drop onto the paper as I read through it, and I know that this will be the last time my heart will break because of him. Setting it on the ground, a flower quickly blooms to shield it from being blown away.

Looking up to the sky, I close my eyes momentarily, preparing myself for what is about to be done. My thoughts gathered, my mind prepared, I am finally fully ready.

And so it happens.

Blurring vision, the flow of blood, physical pain unfathomable...so I come to know thee, death.

*~*~*~*~*~*

_A note fluttered gently in the wind, held down by the solitary flower. The corners were blood-tipped, wavering softly. A lone figure picked up the note as he saw the accompanying body, and began to read it..._

**Hiei   
I do not know if you would want an explanation for my behavior. You won't understand, and I know this. However, I felt it best to explain things anyway.**

**You see, love is all I ever needed. I didn't question it, never asked for anything else. However, when I found that it was unquestionably false...when you denied it...**

_He noticed a few tears randomly scattered on the note, blurring what he had just read slightly._

**...when you denied it...I realized something. I realized that without your love, my life had no meaning. And a life without meaning, as I'm sure you know, is best ended.**

**I don't know what your response to all of this will be. However, whatever happens, know only this: I love you. I always have and, despite the fact that you don't return those feelings, I always will.**

_There were suddenly new tears falling toward the paper; tears which quickly crystallized into small gems. They landed on the paper, before rolling off and falling unnoticed to the ground._

**It is better for both of us this way. I will no longer have to live a life in which everything was false - a life of false love, a life of the false facade that I had put up for so long. And you...you can finally be free to hide your emotions without hassle. I admit, that I have forever wished you would let down your shield for me. But it seems that this just wasn't meant to be. Also, you no longer need to worry about those around us questioning what we were to each other. I suppose that I should have seen this long ago. Perhaps I did. Yet I imagine that I shielded myself from it, knowing what the outcome would be. And that outcome has finally occurred.**

**In this life that has come to lose everything, I can only offer you one last wish - that you be happy. I sacrificed my own happiness for you, but once I had none left, it became thoroughly impossible.**

**But with each word that I write, I am delaying the inevitable. I am delaying my flight from such a trivial existence, and onto the only freedom that I can achieve. And so I must end this. I can only hope that you understand, and will forgive me for this.**

_More of the gems were making their way from his eyes, and although he usually would have considered the tears rapidly falling from his eyes a sign on weakness, he made no effort to stop them. Through somewhat blurred vision, he looked back at the note._

**Please...know this, if nothing else:**

**Whether or not you accept it, and although you do not return it, I must tell you the truth. I love you.**

**Kurama**

_His grip on the note loosened, and he watched as the wind blew it out of his hand, and into the pool of blood that lay before him. It immediately began to become the same deep red, the blood drowning the previously pure white paper._

_And as he watched, he cried, mourning the loss of the only one who had ever loved him, and the only one that he had ever loved so much in return. He wanted so much to wish for a second chance, but he knew the futility of wishing for them; second chances never came. And he knew then the only way that he could possibly repent for his denial of a love that had been more true than he could have ever believed._

_And so a second life came to a close. He might have found it cowardly, dishonorable, selfish almost, but it was also the only way that he could be truly reunited with his lost other. And that, being reunited, was all that he wanted. After all...love was said to be eternal..._

_So he followed the only real love that he had ever known, and ever would know...Hiei followed Kurama through life, death, and beyond..._

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There we go. My first attempt at Yuu Yuu Hakusho. *cringes* So, how was it? Feedback is much appreciated! ~Yami

New note on all my fics:   
When reviewing, please leave more than just a few words. As nice as "Good story write more" seems, it really doesn't help. The same with "This story sucks," it really doesn't tell me what I need to fix. Write about the good or bad points of the story or the writing style. Write what you liked or didn't like; what appealed or didn't appeal to you. Tell me I need to add more detail or had an adequate amount. These types of reviews can offer more help to me as a writer, so I can improve, and hopefully write better fanfictions in the future ^_^


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